When Good Marriages Go Bad (and Good Again)

by Dan Jarvis

A new paradigm is needed for divorce proceedings. As one Michigan judge observed at a national conference for marriages, the courtroom is a battleground and lawyers are trained to fight and win for their client. In marital disputes, that usually means the marriage loses. A good lawyer knows that if a divorce is going to occur, the party that strikes first and hardest (personal protection orders, temporary custody etc.), has the best chance of winning. But it is this very system which also destroys many salvageable marriages. A person filing for divorce is often pleading for help, but not knowing where to turn, they seek a lawyer and find themselves locked in battle.

Marriage, an institution which is widely recognized as a religious sacrament (or at least performed as a religious ceremony), should not be performed by one institution and dissolved by another with no communication between the two. Nor, when two consenting adults pledge their lives to one another until "death do us part," should the state dissolve the union in a mere 3-6 months.

Years of research, and the common sense of most individuals in Michigan, suggest that the process should be slowed in order to heal wounds and restore lost love. It may also suggest that lawyers and the courtroom are the last place that divorces should occur. At minimum, an intermediary process should be established to help troubled marriages.

A majority of Michigan residents do believe that the divorce process should be slowed or modified. In 1998, Michigan Family Forum commissioned a poll by Wirthlin Worldwide, a Virginia-based international research firm. Fully 70 percent of respondents indicated that longer waiting periods before divorce may strengthen marriages. A higher 81 percent believed mandatory pre-divorce counseling would strengthen the institution of marriage.

When asked whether a couple who is unhappy in their marriage should remain together, 81 percents said they should, while only 17 percent believed they should divorce and seek happiness elsewhere. Of those people divorced at the time of the survey (10 percent) two-thirds said they wish they had worked harder with their former spouse to make things work.

Voters would support lawmakers if they made changes to slow the process down. A 1999 Family Forum poll, conducted by EPIC/MRA, a Michigan-based polling firm, revealed that nearly two-thirds (65 percent) of respondents would be more likely to vote for a state representative or senator who votes to require couples with minor children to attend divorce education programs. Only 4 percent said that such a mandate would make them less likely to vote for the candidate while 29 percent said it would not affect their vote. The same poll showed 79 percent of respondents favored or remained neutral on extending waiting periods from 6 to 18 months when minor children are involved. Only 18 percent opposed the idea.

Dr. Paul Amato, professor of sociology and demography at Penn State University, conducted a 17-year study of marital conflict and stability which may lend credibility to the views of those polled. The longitudinal study involved a national sample of more than 2,000 married persons who were interviewed five times over the course of the study. Dr. Amato looked at the marriages in the sample that ended in divorce and examined the characteristics of those failed marriages.

He found that nearly 60 percent of the divorces were among low-conflict marriages with strong indications that the marriage could be preserved. Only 40 percent of the divorces involved dysfunctional marriages marked by high levels of discord, violence and low marital satisfaction. Evidence that the low-conflict marriages could be preserved is gathered from the responses of those participants who divorced.

The average period of time between a participant’s divorce and their previous interview was only 18 months. Yet Amato found that nearly 50 percent said they were very happy with their marriage, 63 percent were frequently enjoying "leisure activities" such as movies, bowling or social functions, and over three-fourths said they had "feelings of very strong love" for their spouse when last interviewed only 18 months earlier.

Reinforcing Amato’s findings, Linda Waite, a professor of sociology at the University of Chicago, analyzed data from the National Survey of Families and Households (NSFH). Her analysis shows that unhappy marriages often take a turn for the better. Fully 86 percent of those who rated their marriages as not happy (4 or less on a 7 point scale), were more happily married five years later according to the data. Nearly 60 percent of the individuals rated their marriages as "very happy" (6 or 7).

Those who said they were unhappily married but stayed married, were also much more likely to say they were very happy with life in general (37 percent), than those who divorced or separated (24 percent). Unhappily married people who divorced or separated also reported more symptoms of depression than unhappily married people who stayed married.

All marriages go through difficult times. However, what was once good but is now bad, can be made good again if given time and help. Perhaps it is time for lawmakers to look at new ways to salvage marriages, rather than preserving the current system that sanctions marriage wars.

Dan Jarvis is the Research and Policy Director at Michigan Family Forum.